I in dad's office now, my parents went school fetch us back, because they got something to do. Reached office then online edy. I'm waiting the Z to online and waiting her to chat with me, I know she is busy with her study but I really need her.
She sms me yesterday but I never reply, I don't know how to tell her, but I really down! I forced myself not to cry but I cried just now. I hope no more next time, I hate myself simply crying, every time never control then cry edy. I knew myself too sensitive and too emo, I am trying to control it.
Or I think maybe I'm too tired of being happy today, I'm tired of smiling with others with my fake smile.
I can't eat, I felt like vomit when I saw the food. Mum bought me food this morning, she saw I never take breakfast so bought me some food and let me eat in school. I took it out and try to finish it but I can't finish, I think I only ate little bit.
Now my sister asked maid to cook mee for me, but I still don't feel like eating, maybe I will eat it after this.
I can't sleep well nowadays, I was happy in Thailand but at night still the same like what happened on my own bed. Nightmare made me cried. Last week when I were sleeping, I dream something scary happened to me, the nightmare made me afraid of everything. The nightmare was about I killed myself, I jumped out from the car, but still no one care about me, they just let me die.
I cried inside the nightmare, how sad, super super sad, no one care about me, when I awake, I felt the tears on my face. This was the first time I cried inside the dream and my real life also followed crying. I felt like continue crying when I awake but that time my life still happy.
My family and friends treat me so good, they talk to me, joke to me, play with me. I just can't imagine that few days later everything will changed. So fast changed! :'(
Changed like my nightmare, but I don't hope I'm the fella who killed herself, I hate it! Last time I think about it but I knew this is a stupid stupid thing that cannot happen in my life. So NG YONG ENN! PLEASE DON'T DO THOSE STUPID THINGS! OR ELSE YOU WONT FORGIVE YOURSELF.
The nightmare already told me, I kill myself also no one will miss me, the end I'm the lonely ghost who cried alone, no one care, no one miss, no one will think of you.
After the day, the nightmare, my sweet dreams gone, I can't dream of any sweet things, I dream all those unhappy dream, those will made me sad. I will suddenly awake when I sleeping, can't sleep well at all.
Yesterday from Thailand to Penang, Penang to KL, used 13hours, everyone slept in car more than 5hours, Ng Yong Yee slept 11hours, but I only take nap about 2 or 3 hours, it's added together.
Reach home can't sleep, I online chat with friends, check mail until 1something, then forced myself to sleep if not today will be panda.
But I still can't sleep well. I hate my nightmare, where are my sweet dreams? when my sweet dreams will come back with me? Will they come back?
I never angry of anyone or anythings, I'm just sad and down, no one will happy when they know others don't like them or don't care them. right?
Something made me happy today, the real happy but after 30mins, the mood of sad stick back to me, argggg.. go away please! please! please! I don't like you, I love happy, I love happiness.
Pn.Najah put my art at the lobby, selling my art, so happy when I heard Nancy said my art is at the lobby, I felt so happy and surprise, I feel like telling the whole world I'm happy because got people like my art. Teacher think it is nice and trying to sell. The price is RM250.
When I saw my mum at the admission room, I hold her hand and pulled her to the lobby, I show off to her, and told her how happy am I. I asked her to buy, asked her to ask dad buy but my dad say "who will buy your art? nothing special also."
But it's special for me, a surprise, I used one week to colour it, used my heart on the art, and finally I got the result..
I hope the feeling of happy will stick with me forever, come back please and please don't simply fly away edy, I really need you.
I miss you~
my happiness..
